My boss asked why i was so late. I said this guy had lost $20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, i said No, i was standing on it!

Attitude statement of day ;) I got 10 questions in exam saying SOLVE ANY 5! I solved all 10 n wrote: CHECK ANY 5!! :D

Why do supermarkets always ask you if you want a bag! "No its OK I'll just balance everything on my head its much easier" This usually happens to me when I end up in one of those exclusive and high priced super store..

I have a hidden talent... I wish I could find it!

Difference between promises and memories? We break promises, and our memories can break us.(",)

I'm not being lazy, I'm on energy saver mode

I am just one step away From being Very Rich.All i need now is a Lot of Money!

Step 1. Think before you speak. Step 2. Think again. Step 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2 over again until you can actually say something intelligent!

Don't elect another President... until YOU KNOW what makes the FIRST ONE so great ....

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you

I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. It took me four hours to eat my soup.

I went to an open-air cafe today and it rained. It took me four hours to eat my soup.

right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you never saw it with ur own eyes or heard it with ur own ears, don't think it with your small mind and spread it with your big mouth...

Seriously, it's 2012 on the verge, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

I googled 'understanding women'... LMAO was the result

If somebody throws a rock at you, throw a flower back.. but make sure the flower is still in the pot!

Who ìs the coolest guy in the hospital,? The ultra sound guy

People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and try to break you. How strong you stand is what makes you.

if we know seven letters we can write english, E, N ,G, L, I, S, H

Facebook -whats on my mind? Twitter -what im doing? Foursquare -where I am? The internets starting to sound like a possessive girlfriend.

An autopsy has revealed that the newly wed man who was eaten by a shark, didnt suffer. He was only married 7days

When I'm depressed, I cut myself.. A piece of cheesecake

I wonder if one day somebody will ever come & knock on my door and tell me “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

It's been quite a thriller... But Michael Jackson's doctor has been found guilty, after 2 years... What a smoooth criminal

You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore. Got it.... or need explanation :)

I get to hear this all the time when I go into a restaurant : Would you like a table?" ... "No, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground, a carpet for 5 please

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone..... Star Key and Hash

I wanted to buy a book on ¨Public Speaking¨ but I am way to shy to ask for it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?

This is what we get to hear at McDonald's : half a dozen chicken mcnuggets please... Sir , we only have 6/9/12 pcs packs...

Just rang Apple and asked them if they've got any Jobs. "Not any more." They said.

I like this :
"A guy broke into my house last week. He didn't take my TV, he took my remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels."